Fear

Fear seems to be a motivator for so many poor decisions and actions.....I read this, I feel this. Fear of oneself, fear of death, fear of error, fear of failure, fear of abandonment....I struggle with facing my limitations as a person, a wife, a mother, a friend......some of those limits have been with me for a lifetime like some sort of familiar nemesis....I work on them, ignore them, then work on them again......The ones I am having the most trouble with are the limits imposed by age and bad health......I detest routine...have always rebelled against it...found it to be the toughest part of parenting, of being a spouse......I am an impulsive person by nature and like living like that, but it doesn't work well in relation to others.....I think I like being at the cottage so much because there is no plan or expectation of any given day.....My health situation is demanding routine in no uncertain terms....take meds for depression or ELSE....take meds for colitis or ELSE......exercise or ELSE....monitor everything you ever eat for the rest of your life or ELSE.......monthly injections to fight cancer or ELSE....


I AM ANGRY AND AFRAID

Rhythm

Rhythm is central in my life........music, song, heartbeats, breath, breathing, rhythm of my days, sleep, birds, Bella, Bob, kids, solitude, friends, food, flowers. chaos followed by peace, sex, light and dark, seasons, the view out our windows, thought, feeling, speaking, dreaming, laughter, desiring and accepting, love, anger, loss, peace,

Illness has disrupted the rhythm of my existence and I struggle to find the new rhythm of my life...partly I want to force it to emerge quickly as I seek relief from the discomfort of arhythmia.....partly I accept that time is one of the components of the process and I have no control over that.....once again I remember to give myself over to the process.....perhaps arhythmia is the new rhythm.......I seek to live the process, not the achievement of an end goal.......so I guess my intellectual rhythm is still alive and kicking......make room for body and soul....focus on the now.....savor it...sway with the rhythm for it is the rhythm of life.

Shape

I started my new restorative yoga routine today. Audrey Harpe put the exercises together for me and told me that I am not ready for strengthening routines yet, that I definitely have restorative work to do......well.....I thought I would share the results of the meditation which came to me during the final healing relaxation......Shape........

The shape of the heart, the shape of my heart, the shape of my spirit, the shape of my body......started crying at the beauty of the shape of love in my life......sad about the shape of my body and how I have neglected it.....deep smiling at the shape of my family....deep smiling at the love I receive and that which I have to give......

It was a soulful 20 minutes.......Shape......excellent meditation!