Fear seems to be a motivator for so many poor decisions and actions.....I read this, I feel this. Fear of oneself, fear of death, fear of error, fear of failure, fear of abandonment....I struggle with facing my limitations as a person, a wife, a mother, a friend......some of those limits have been with me for a lifetime like some sort of familiar nemesis....I work on them, ignore them, then work on them again......The ones I am having the most trouble with are the limits imposed by age and bad health......I detest routine...have always rebelled against it...found it to be the toughest part of parenting, of being a spouse......I am an impulsive person by nature and like living like that, but it doesn't work well in relation to others.....I think I like being at the cottage so much because there is no plan or expectation of any given day.....My health situation is demanding routine in no uncertain terms....take meds for depression or ELSE....take meds for colitis or ELSE......exercise or ELSE....monitor everything you ever eat for the rest of your life or ELSE.......monthly injections to fight cancer or ELSE....
I AM ANGRY AND AFRAID
